If I could turn back the time…

Hitting my 24th dragged me into a tunnel which shows parts of my life, that I believe, are a waste of time.

When I was a kid, I was never the prettiest among all of the girls. I know I was smart and had a bold personality, but I never was pretty. The younger me will definitely be disappointed if she knew I wasn’t as confident as she is. If I could turn back the time, I wish I could be prettier. I could be skinnier, and the spotlights will follow me everywhere I go.

I agree if people tell me I am now pretty, or else, prettier.
But it wasn’t a blink of an eye.

I was skinnier, not because I am doing a proper diet. I was just having several part-time jobs which required me to carry heavy weight and walk super fast. When I quit the job, I challenged myself to join the pageantry, and it requires me to lose some weight in only a month. Yes, I was skinnier.

I was skinnier and prettier, but I wasn’t getting better.

I was better when I’m only ten. Putting on lipgloss with a manifesting mantra I got from a comic book, surrounded by only things I loved. I feel lonely, yet I feel content. Oh, the irony of life.

I was better when the only thing I’m dealing with is my only feelings.

I was better when I don’t have to assure myself that I only need to survive one more day, and that being said every day. Catching breaths while holding back tears, knowing that the only one who can give you a hand is yourself.

If I could turn back the time, I will tell myself that days in the future will not be better. It will get worse. Things will be slipped from our hands, and the reality will not meet our expectations, but we will find a way to survive. We will finally find what love truly means, we will finally be able to understand that not everything went as we planned, and the unexpected things will come at us, being our reasons to live longer.

We will no longer read books, we will no longer enjoy singing, and we will have no dreams, but we always try to live our best days.

I can assure you that.