I got nothing else but me.

First day of June 2021, I decided to take my leave from the kitchen.

It’s astonishing that it happens in the same year as I took a semester off. Well, it’s not that it’s unexpected but…..

I finally realized that I was perfectly know what I want. I know how to keep me sane, I know what should I do. But, I keep denying.

I keep saying that it’s not right to think so.

My entire life, the only thing I want in life is a peace of mind. It’s really a big deal for me to handle my emotion properly, and lately, it’s not happening. I keep doing everything with a head full of anger and an empty heart.

I want to be passionate. I want to be mindfully doing what I am doing.

I want a reason to live.

Cooking, was one of them. I enjoy cooking so much. I enjoy the way I fillet my chicken. I enjoy every cuts I got accidentally cause I’m a reckless when it comes to the kitchen. I enjoy it when I got burns in my hand for preparing the chilli oil. I enjoy every splash of hot oil. I enjoy the stinky smell of the kitchen in the morning. I enjoy every flour that sticking to my brand new t-shirt. I enjoy the heat. I enjoy the fire. I enjoy the soy sauce stain I got in every white shirt I have. I enjoy applying balm everytime I am done washing my hand because the dish soap ruining my skin barrier. I enjoy my shower after a long shift. I enjoy having to clean my nails after every shift. I enjoy the kitchen.

But not anymore.

I need a decent life. By decent, I mean a life that does not require me to put my anger as a motivation to work. At the end of the day, I need to have myself back, alive and sane.

So yeah, I will be having my last shift in 20th of June.

I realized this decision is big because I am now financially independent, so not having a job is probably not a wise decision.

I have no idea what will happen next, but I know this will leads me to a better life and a bigger dream.